Fri, 27 Mar 2026 18:11:57 -0700WeeblyFri, 07 Apr 2017 21:41:55 GMThttps://www.andrew-bailes.com/footnotes/five-one-minute-plays-number-one-d-is-for-drink[Four actors: A, B, C, and D. D is further downstage center, with A, B, and C in a line upstage. They cross downstage to join D on their lines throughout the course of the play. All lines are given to D in pandemonium.]

B:
Hey, you should totally come out with us tonight and -.

ALL:
DRINK!

D:
No, I really don’t think that I should, I have to -.

ALL:
DRINK!

A:
Congratulations on that thing, we need to celebrate and -.

ALL:
DRINK!

D:
Thanks, but I really need to -.

ALL:
DRINK!

C:
God, I can’t believe that happened to you, let’s go -.

ALL:
DRINK!

D:
No, that’s okay, I’ll only -.

ALL:
DRINK!

A:
What a shit year, we should probably -.

ALL:
DRINK!

C:
Next year’s gonna be worse, we should definitely -.

ALL:
DRINK!

B:
Nothing we can do, we might as well -. 

ALL:
DRINK!

D:
No, no, no, I really think that we can -.

ALL:
DRINK!

B:
Gonna be a shit show, we all have to -.

ALL:
DRINK!

A:
Who fucking cares, we just gotta -.

ALL:
DRINK!

C:
Let’s just give up, we can all go -.

ALL:
DRINK! DRINK! DRINK! 

D:
No, no, no -.

[A, B, and C continue shouting “DRINK!” as they encircle D. It is a frenzied bloodbath, and D has become the prey.]

ALL:
DRINK! DRINK! DRINK!

D:
No, please. Stop. Stop it. Please, please, please -.

ALL:
DRINK! DRINK! DRINK!

[They are now on top of D, who has disappeared within them, cowering in fear.]

ALL:
DRINK! DRINK! DRINK!

[They quickly exit, leaving D alone on stage, trembling. D slowly rises and looks out into the audience, speechless. Silence.]

D:
[A deep breath. Gasping for air.] - .

End.]]>Thu, 06 Apr 2017 18:30:00 GMThttps://www.andrew-bailes.com/footnotes/five-one-minute-plays-number-two-overused[Four actors facing out.]

Actor 1:
He literally fell in love with me.

Actor 2:
I literally fell in love with her.

Actor 3:
They’re literally in love!

Actor 4:
They are literally head over heels in love!

Actor 1:
I am literally starving!

Actor 2:
I could literally eat a fucking horse right now!

Actor 3:
I literally don’t know where I am!

Actor 4:
I am literally up to my ears in debt.

Actor 1:
[Not really.] I literally want a divorce.

Actor 2:
[Really.] I literally want a divorce.

Actor 3:
I’m so stressed I could literally explode!

Actor 4:
You literally look like fucking shit.

Actor 1:
[It’s a party.] I could literally drink every day of my life!

Actor 2:
[It’s not a party.] I could literally drink every day of my life.

Actor 3:
I’ve literally slept with like a thousand women.

Actor 4:
I am literally the ugliest person in the world.

Actor 1:
[Not really.] I could literally murder everyone in this room.

Actor 2:
[Really.] I could literally murder everyone in this room.

Actor 3:
You are literally a ray of sunshine.

Actor 4:
You are literally a fucking dog.

Actor 1:
I literally can’t even.

Actor 2:
I literally can’t breathe!

Actor 3:
[Not really.] I could literally kill myself right now.

Actor 4:
[Really.] I could literally kill myself right now.

End.
]]>Tue, 04 Apr 2017 19:22:11 GMThttps://www.andrew-bailes.com/footnotes/five-one-minute-plays-number-three-bc[Two actors facing out.]

Bicycle:
I love cycling in Chicago.

Car:
I hate cycling in Chicago.

Bicycle:
[Loving it.] There are bikes all over the place!

Car:
[Hating it.] There are bikes all over place!

Bicycle:
Best part is: the city is really accommodating the lifestyle.

Car:
Even worse now that there are more bike lanes for these people.

Bicycle:
[Stoked.] And summertime’s just around the corner!

Car:
[Dreadful.] Summertime is just around the corner.

Bicycle and Car:
[Together.] Bikes will be everywhere.

Bicycle:
Drivers can be such pricks sometimes.

Car:
The way those jerks run through red lights? Give me a break.

Bicycle:
Cars completely ignore cyclists, running them off of the road.

Bicycle and Car:
[Together.] It makes me want to scream.

Bicycle:
One thing is for sure, though.

Car:
One thing is clear.

Bicycle:
A bike and a car collide…

Car:
A car and a bike hit each other…

Bicycle and Car:
[Together.] The car is going to win.

End.]]>Fri, 31 Mar 2017 20:18:08 GMThttps://www.andrew-bailes.com/footnotes/five-one-minute-plays-number-four-capture-this[Two Actors. One on bended knee.]

A:
Honey, I love you with all my heart and want to be with you
always and forever. Will you–.

B:
Wait, wait! We can’t spoil this!

[B takes a selfie. Cut to vows:]

B:
And I will love you, for better or worse, in sickness and–.

A:
Hang on, wait a minute!

[A takes a selfie. Cut to:]

B:
Honey, it’s happened, we’re going to have a–.

A:
Stop! Stop right there!

[A takes a selfie. Cut to the actors watching their
baby take her first steps.]

A:
Look at her! Watch! She’s finally! She’s finally walk—.

B:
Yes! We need to!

[B takes a selfie. Cut to:]

A:
Can’t believe she’s through prescho—[selfie] element—[selfie]
middle—[selfie] high—[selfie] coll—[selfie].

[Cut to:]

B:
She’s pregnant! We going to be grandpar—

A:
Wait—[selfie]!

[Pause. A moment. Cut to:]

B:
Honey, this is real. I’m sick—.

A:
Stop—[selfie].

B:
Nothing to cure—[selfie]. Spread—[selfie]. It’s done—[selfie].

[Cut to:]

B:
I’m done—[selfie].

[B’s gone. Cut to A, alone:]

A:
Honey—[no selfie]? Where did you go—[no selfie]? I’m all alone—[no selfie].

[Cut to:]

A:
Alone—[no selfie].

[No selfie. Cut to:]

End.
]]>Thu, 30 Mar 2017 13:52:01 GMThttps://www.andrew-bailes.com/footnotes/five-one-minute-plays-number-five-dropped-your[A busy street corner. STEVE is asking for spare change as people whisk by. He is failing miserably.]

Steve:
Excuse me –. I’m sorry, can I –. Have a blessed –. Trouble you for some –. Have a blessed day.

[The street is bustling. STEVE gets an idea.]

Steve:
[Calling after someone.] Excuse me, sir. Sir!

[A MAN stops and looks at Steve.]

Steve:
You dropped your pocket.

[The MAN drops to the floor looking for his “pocket.” Nothing else matters.]

Steve:
[Laughing.] Sir, I’m sorry. I’m sorry, it was a joke.

Man:
Please leave me alone! I’m looking for my pocket!

[STEVE laughs. A group of GIRLS walk by.]

Steve:
Hey, girls! You dropped your pockets.

[The GIRLS fall on all fours in a frantic search.]

Girls:
Oh, my God! Where’d it go! I need to find my pocket!

[Another group enters.]

Steve:
Ya’ll dropped your pockets!

[They fall. Another group enters. They fall. Another. And another. Again and again.]

Steve:
You dropped your pockets. Hey, you! Dropped your pocket. Excuse, ma’am! Dropped your pocket!

[Steve continues until all are on their hands and knees surrounding him, searching madly for their “pockets.”]

Steve:
[Shit-eating grin.] Suckers.

End.]]>