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[Four actors: A, B, C, and D. D is further downstage center, with A, B, and C in a line upstage. They cross downstage to join D on their lines throughout the course of the play. All lines are given to D in pandemonium.]
B: Hey, you should totally come out with us tonight and -. ALL: DRINK! D: No, I really don’t think that I should, I have to -. ALL: DRINK! A: Congratulations on that thing, we need to celebrate and -. ALL: DRINK! D: Thanks, but I really need to -. ALL: DRINK! C: God, I can’t believe that happened to you, let’s go -. ALL: DRINK! D: No, that’s okay, I’ll only -. ALL: DRINK! A: What a shit year, we should probably -. ALL: DRINK! C: Next year’s gonna be worse, we should definitely -. ALL: DRINK! B: Nothing we can do, we might as well -. ALL: DRINK! D: No, no, no, I really think that we can -. ALL: DRINK! B: Gonna be a shit show, we all have to -. ALL: DRINK! A: Who fucking cares, we just gotta -. ALL: DRINK! C: Let’s just give up, we can all go -. ALL: DRINK! DRINK! DRINK! D: No, no, no -. [A, B, and C continue shouting “DRINK!” as they encircle D. It is a frenzied bloodbath, and D has become the prey.] ALL: DRINK! DRINK! DRINK! D: No, please. Stop. Stop it. Please, please, please -. ALL: DRINK! DRINK! DRINK! [They are now on top of D, who has disappeared within them, cowering in fear.] ALL: DRINK! DRINK! DRINK! [They quickly exit, leaving D alone on stage, trembling. D slowly rises and looks out into the audience, speechless. Silence.] D: [A deep breath. Gasping for air.] - . End.
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[Four actors facing out.]
Actor 1: He literally fell in love with me. Actor 2: I literally fell in love with her. Actor 3: They’re literally in love! Actor 4: They are literally head over heels in love! Actor 1: I am literally starving! Actor 2: I could literally eat a fucking horse right now! Actor 3: I literally don’t know where I am! Actor 4: I am literally up to my ears in debt. Actor 1: [Not really.] I literally want a divorce. Actor 2: [Really.] I literally want a divorce. Actor 3: I’m so stressed I could literally explode! Actor 4: You literally look like fucking shit. Actor 1: [It’s a party.] I could literally drink every day of my life! Actor 2: [It’s not a party.] I could literally drink every day of my life. Actor 3: I’ve literally slept with like a thousand women. Actor 4: I am literally the ugliest person in the world. Actor 1: [Not really.] I could literally murder everyone in this room. Actor 2: [Really.] I could literally murder everyone in this room. Actor 3: You are literally a ray of sunshine. Actor 4: You are literally a fucking dog. Actor 1: I literally can’t even. Actor 2: I literally can’t breathe! Actor 3: [Not really.] I could literally kill myself right now. Actor 4: [Really.] I could literally kill myself right now. End. [Two actors facing out.]
Bicycle: I love cycling in Chicago. Car: I hate cycling in Chicago. Bicycle: [Loving it.] There are bikes all over the place! Car: [Hating it.] There are bikes all over place! Bicycle: Best part is: the city is really accommodating the lifestyle. Car: Even worse now that there are more bike lanes for these people. Bicycle: [Stoked.] And summertime’s just around the corner! Car: [Dreadful.] Summertime is just around the corner. Bicycle and Car: [Together.] Bikes will be everywhere. Bicycle: Drivers can be such pricks sometimes. Car: The way those jerks run through red lights? Give me a break. Bicycle: Cars completely ignore cyclists, running them off of the road. Bicycle and Car: [Together.] It makes me want to scream. Bicycle: One thing is for sure, though. Car: One thing is clear. Bicycle: A bike and a car collide… Car: A car and a bike hit each other… Bicycle and Car: [Together.] The car is going to win. End. [Two Actors. One on bended knee.]
A: Honey, I love you with all my heart and want to be with you always and forever. Will you–. B: Wait, wait! We can’t spoil this! [B takes a selfie. Cut to vows:] B: And I will love you, for better or worse, in sickness and–. A: Hang on, wait a minute! [A takes a selfie. Cut to:] B: Honey, it’s happened, we’re going to have a–. A: Stop! Stop right there! [A takes a selfie. Cut to the actors watching their baby take her first steps.] A: Look at her! Watch! She’s finally! She’s finally walk—. B: Yes! We need to! [B takes a selfie. Cut to:] A: Can’t believe she’s through prescho—[selfie] element—[selfie] middle—[selfie] high—[selfie] coll—[selfie]. [Cut to:] B: She’s pregnant! We going to be grandpar-- A: Wait—[selfie]! [Pause. A moment. Cut to:] B: Honey, this is real. I’m sick—. A: Stop—[selfie]. B: Nothing to cure—[selfie]. Spread—[selfie]. It’s done—[selfie]. [Cut to:] B: I’m done—[selfie]. [B’s gone. Cut to A, alone:] A: Honey—[no selfie]? Where did you go—[no selfie]? I’m all alone--[no selfie]. [Cut to:] A: Alone—[no selfie]. [No selfie. Cut to:] End. [A busy street corner. STEVE is asking for spare change as people whisk by. He is failing miserably.]
Steve: Excuse me –. I’m sorry, can I –. Have a blessed –. Trouble you for some –. Have a blessed day. [The street is bustling. STEVE gets an idea.] Steve: [Calling after someone.] Excuse me, sir. Sir! [A MAN stops and looks at Steve.] Steve: You dropped your pocket. [The MAN drops to the floor looking for his “pocket.” Nothing else matters.] Steve: [Laughing.] Sir, I’m sorry. I’m sorry, it was a joke. Man: Please leave me alone! I’m looking for my pocket! [STEVE laughs. A group of GIRLS walk by.] Steve: Hey, girls! You dropped your pockets. [The GIRLS fall on all fours in a frantic search.] Girls: Oh, my God! Where’d it go! I need to find my pocket! [Another group enters.] Steve: Ya’ll dropped your pockets! [They fall. Another group enters. They fall. Another. And another. Again and again.] Steve: You dropped your pockets. Hey, you! Dropped your pocket. Excuse, ma’am! Dropped your pocket! [Steve continues until all are on their hands and knees surrounding him, searching madly for their “pockets.”] Steve: [Shit-eating grin.] Suckers. End. |
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April 2017
FootnotesSome thoughts on art, life, and theatre. Stay positive. Categories |
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